We argue with our heads held high
I guess that’s what happens when
you’ve learned never to discuss your feelings
You’d rather be wrong and hold on to your pride
Then to admit that there is more to it inside
That’s why I’ve learned to let go of people that don’t want to be around
Stubborn people aren’t compatible with each other
Like two magnets on positive ends
It’s like we can get close but never really touch
And the more I push forward,
the stronger it throws me back…
And I’m tired of getting pushed back.
I saw your name on a paper, folded through the middle
Had to do a double-take and squint my eyes a liitle
To realize it was all in my head
The page that bore your name instead
Displayed the name of a car dealership in south bay
So I disregarded it, decided against throwing it away.
There it laid, on the fire escape down the hall
I thought it wouldn’t affect me at all
That is, till I went back the day after.
I had to hide the look of suprise behind my laughter
For there it was, ad still in tact
With your full name staring back.
It left probably as quick as it came
But the effect was cemented in my mood all the same
South Bay Toyota, it made my heart drop hard
Snuck up from behind while I dropped my guard.
I never knew junk mail could substitute an ink blot
Attacking me from inside with such an onslaught
Enough to let me know that your name still resides inside
Flashing behind my eyelids, covered by thick layers of pride.
Neon letters lighting up in-sync with my pulse
Showing that all my talk of indifference was false.
I tried to see your name one last time today
Hoping the print was more permanent than we ever were
But all I saw was us
When I looked down at the wet, torn paper
I don’t like what I see when I look at my reflections
Reflected in true colors,
Showing mine without looking inside.
I’m very self concious in an unconscious way.
It gets in the way more then often
To tell you the truth,
I think I stress myself out
More than anything in specific
I just don’t like the person who stares back at me
from the mirror in the bathroom
The place that once provided me clarity
Hosts a demon I’m not strong enough to fight yet
Who am I now?
I thought all this growing up led to greener pastures
But I find myself stuck in more ruts
Letting more opportunities slip rather than be captured
Sometimes I feel like I would embrace Armaggeddon
Flee a life that I just can’t get the hang of
I swear, i’m trying hard to be the man supposed to be
Trying hard to become someone I can stand to look at in the mirror.
Love is supposed to be selfless
If this is true then I’ve never been in love
My loving has been nothing but selfish
A man is supposed to keep his word
If this is true then I’m less than male
There’s no credibility in the things I’ve promised.
A real friend is always there
If this is true then I’m very fake
These severed ties are a testament of my lack of attention.
I don’t see myself as such a bad person
But if all of this is true then I haven’t come as far as I thought
And that’s sadder than you can imagine.
I used to think I had the fight in me
Though in retrospect, It must’ve been the Bud light in me
I’m finding it harder every day
To fight the demons and the things they say
Fight off memories, in my head they play
It’s getting harder to keep these things at bay
I wouldn’t say I’m weak… Out loud, at least
I’d say I’m tired, tired of fighting off images of the deceased
Images of ex’s tangled in someone else’s bedsheets,
Of the coming of The Beast
“I think, therefore I am”
So now I wish I wasn’t
I want to stop thinking about anything that’s unpleasant
Is there a way to find some peace for my head?
Wait, can someone saw it off instead?
I’m getting desperate for the remedy
Could’ve sworn I found it at the end of a bottle of JD
But the fix was merely temporary
And by the morning I had more worries to carry
The women that came by took my mind off the matter for a second
Till they started acting cocky like if for them I beckoned
And though I enjoy the company
To catch feelings just isn’t in me
I’m still looking to feed answers to the monsters that wish I would break and cry
“Why try?” I’m still fighting to know why.
What if. Two words that constantly have me dwelling on the past
Thinking back to the forks in the road that lead me here
I wonder how many wrong turns Ive taken blindly
It’s the feeling of “what if” that binds me
To the errors I wish I could’ve corrected in that instance
It keeps me from sleeping while the task seems so easy to the rest
I spent so many nights with my mental state in distress
Playing back my decisions over and over in my mind
Journeying to the past to see where I lost my sense of direction
I don’t wanna live in these memories but regret tends to make me one of it’s tenants
And everytime I ask “what if?” Regret adds more time to the lease.
Condemned to daily pesturing in the back of my head and a case of the Nostalgia blues
I try drowning It out with music but even the music turned it’s back on me
Because when I play certain songs I see my past very vividly
And it just hits me, so many emotions at once taking their toll on my defenses
I’m near breaking point with no way to fortify myself and these bottled up feelings
Although I’ve had people tell me to look for peace through God and spiritual healing
I found more comfort in learning how to play with the cards that Life is dealing
There’s no use crying about those cards that I lost along the way.
What if? No, it’s better to let the ‘if’ stay enigmatic.
I’m living on borrowed time// keep forgetting this life ain’t mine// it makes you feel insignificant,// a small asterisk in such a vast timeline// one day I’ll decompose// worms and maggots will eat up my skin, my clothes// it’s a pretty bleak outlook, I know// pessimissim is one of my biggest foes// I can’t help it, death seems to be lurking// I know he’s making bank cu it seems he’s always working// his accomplishment are always getting rep// on the news medium AKA the Dirt King// like I haven’t seen enough of It in my life// my family seems to be getting cut down by a sharp knife// hesitant to build my own to avoid// passing on the curse to my children and wife// I guess acceptance is key// our deaths will be the only fulfilled prophecy// but would you forgive my blasphemy// in craving God’s immortality?// what is sin to someone in doubt of their faith?// because religion hasn’t just failed me as of late// but is constantly disappointing me// with every turn in the road I take// trapped; the grim reaper and I seem attached// right at the hip and our moods seem to match// always there, since the day of my birth// this life was my deal and my death is the catch.
I won’t write about girls for you anymore// this artform is being drowned by sappy metaphors// aimed at some of the silliest whores// whose charm somehow sway our opinions// I tell you, it’s an obvious dominion// then you got the ones who are worth the verses// future lawyers, teachers, & nurses// but even an honest living// doesn’t equal a heart that’s giving// beauty doesn’t lie solely in the female gender// it shows itself on voices so tender// in notes from a Fender// in a mixer’s blender// black and white keys// the inspiration you get from trees// or sitting on your roof, taking in the breeze// how a little kid can choose “kick, kick, clap”// over that auto-tune crap// this world is full of ideas, a muse galore// that’s why I’ll refrain from writing about girls for you anymore.
Somethings are better left unsaid// before I opened my mouth// I should’ve thought it through// But there’s something about you// That made the words wanna spew// But somethings are better left unsaid// See, something went wrong in my head// because I could’ve sworn it was on lock// Must’ve been the metronome from my mental clock// That made me so sure that my feelings I should unblock// And maybe it’s good that I got it off my chest// But in you began to grow an unrest// You reached for the door in protest// And I just sat there, wallowing in this mess// Gone, just like that,// You did say you were a runner// You warned me of all your ways// You said pain awaited the man who stays// But me, caught up in the high of better days// Disregarded you forecast of heavy rains// You’re a free spirit, enjoying your newfound freedom// I was never here to cramp your style// I just wanted to kick it for a while// Have someone at night to dial// I felt like it was easy to open to you// I guess some things are better left unsaid//.
I’ve got too much to say to not let it out once in a while// motivated by the wicked, the corrupt, & the vile// through all my trials and tribulations I’ve evolved my voice with style// to carry my worries and sorrows, maybe the load will feel lighter// and when I get over the obstacles being thrown at me I’ll start being regarded as a fighter// the grip I have on life, although loose, will be that much tighter// I take from everything around me. My lessons are posted up on walls around me// I love it when all things good; Love, Life, & Women surround me// it took 20 years but I’m glad I’ve become such a profound Me// nothing feels better than when my friends take my advice// makes me feel like I have a more clear outlook in life// I finally let go of all things that’s trife// it’s a funny feeling, really. Never thought I’d go this far// my conscience and knowledge are both up to par// everything just seems to make since in this bathroom//.